An Open Letter to Management

Dear Boss (or ‘Master ‘, as I am often required to refer to you on forms submitted to date),

Since entering your employ, I have certainly enjoyed a steep learning curve. I have developed skills I never even dreamed of previously. Why, just the other day, I was able to feed and burp you whilst simultaneously patting one dog with one foot, and rubbing the belly of the other dog with the other foot. I look forward to updating my CV with this new accomplishment.

However, I would like to draw your attention to some of the working conditions I do find challenging, in the hope that we may be able to work together to find mutually acceptable remedies:

  • Clear direction from management contributes to job satisfaction – that is established fact. Now, I’ve been assured by others in the industry that given time I will start to recognise your cues and understand your cries; but, with all due respect, Sir, I find myself on regular occasion feeling flustered and frustrated by your orders. I do appreciate that your communication skills are still developing and that you are as new to your position as I am to mine. However, you tend to vocalise your orders at a pitch which makes me feel that my ears are being clawed out. This, alongside the white noise you insist on being played during nighttime sleep, places me at risk of developing tinnitus. I have repeatedly requested that you “use your words, Angus, use your words!”; but I do appreciate that this may require more time. Perhaps you could consider either pitch or volume modulation to your commands?
  • I understand that at this stage our key company objective is growth, and please believe that I am truly impressed that you are growing at such a speedy rate; 1.2kg in your first month is certainly something to be proud of. However, since your ability to assist with mobilisation is currently limited, the requirement for me to repeatedly lift and support your weight does pose a burden on me and I fear that I may be developing RSIs across multiple joints. A gift voucher for remedial massage, in recognition of my efforts, would be appreciated. Additionally, you are at risk of outgrowing infrastructure and stock before it is adequately utilised. I will draw to your attention, for example, several 0000 onesies resting in a drawer which have never been worn and now never will be, due to your rapid growth.
  • I understand that a key role requirement is cuddles and cradling you, and this is truly one of the aspects of my work I love (except of course, when you are struggling with gas blockages and I am therefore subjected to the above-mentioned vocalisations and strain to keep your flailing limbs and writhing body securely in my grasp). I appreciate that mine is a 24/7 role but during quiet periods, I do need to be able to put you down in the bassinet so that I can attend to other menial but critical job requirements – preparing bottles, washing clothes, etc. For example, yesterday I was unable to put you down for more than 7mins at a time (yes, Sir, I did time it) over a 5hr period. Making my lap your mattress leaves me with little time to be otherwise productive. Case in point – instead of working through my task list for today, since you are outstretched across my lap, I am left with little to do but type this letter. With only my extended left arm and outstretched index finger available to do so.

2017-04-17 22.01.27

I appreciate that I am still working within my probation period, and I have heard rumours that by end of the 2nd month I should be rewarded with a “genuine” smile (not the smiles to date, which apparently have been disingenuous and merely allude to your ongoing tensions with gas). And it is fortunate that I do have a bit of a crush on the boss and I am utterly smitten; I just wish you would hurry up and develop head and neck control, and USE YOUR BLOODY WORDS!

I would appreciate a prompt response from management and am happy to collaborate with you to achieve improvements in the aforementioned working conditions.

Love and kisses,

**Repost from Facebook 12th April 2017**


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