2 months & a few more insights

2 months in as a fledgling parent and while I am still wobbling along on the training wheels, there are a few more things I’ve figured out over the past month:

  • Life with a newborn is like entering the Hunger Games (without, fortunately, the senseless murder of children). And your infant is crowned the victor. Every. Day. His hunger – for food, for sleep, for limited time left to lie or sit in clothes covered in his various excretions – wins out. And what is volunteered as tribute is Mum’s time – to eat, to sleep, to change out of her own clothes that are covered in his various excretions. And the odds now of drinking a whole cup of coffee while it is still warm, are never in your favour.
  • Fun fact: babies are born with loose sphincters (teeheehee) throughout their gastroesophageal tract, which is why so many have issues with reflux, regurgitation and gas.
  • Speaking of sphincters, after 2 months it is almost possible to watch a baby poo during a diaper change, without squealing with laughter (but I will never be able to use the soft serve machine at Sizzlers again).
  • Don’t bother investing in expensive toys for a newborn. If you can hook a few teabags around your fingers and say, “jingle, jangle, bangle,” yourself, a newborn will be transfixed. Throw some alfoil amongst it to give him a real hoot.
  • A young scrotum has many skin folds, and it can be difficult to clean poo out of all of them.
  • Babies do actually develop different types of cries. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you will know what any of them actually mean, but at least take comfort in the fact that if you can notice a difference then the past 2 months of being blasted by your baby’s screeching hasn’t damaged your hearing. I am certain, however, that any cries which are accompanied by a headbutt mean, “Feed me now, bottle bitch.”
  • Holding a sleeping newborn starts out being cute but quickly becomes a strenuous isometric contraction. Be wary though of attempting to reposition the newborn into a position that is more comfortable for you – you’re more than likely going to wake him up in a screeching rage, and the only way to restore calm is to adopt an even more awkward, muscle burning posture to get him to go back to sleep.

One month left in this newborn phase…yippee?

2017-05-10 13.54.27

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